Well I have run out of time today. But it was naturally scary actually, and in the end I managed just to overcome some of it. Attempting Ramadan when you are going to cycle for 5 miles around a city putting up adverts in supermarkets and busy road junctions is not going to be great for the mood. On returning, I had left my personality somewhere in a far-flung region of northern berlin and had the stunned numbness of an aneasthatised parrot. Are you all right, my flatmates friend asked me? Mmm, not really! And I had an english lesson to prepare for. So I broke my fast and teaed and coffeed myself back to within a bike mile of normality and took myself next door for my date with a couple of teenaged girls and the present perfect. The irony of the tense aside, i held my nerve (one of my over-active ones!) and managed to make it work out okay, though far from perfectly. And getting in some more food afterwards i ventured out to the language exchange group at a local cafe and further gritted out my mood until it had mostly passed away.
I suppose i did do something I am INCREDIBLY scared of today, to overwhelm feeling overwhelmed, to see when you can't see and to taste the pudding when only half-baked. I think it was trusting in a process which did it for me, knowing i had been here before and it had worked out.
What do you do when the pastry hits the fan?
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Meditating again (day 9)
Okay so I am running out of ideas, especially when I forget and it is a quarter to twelve at night, but the fear doesnt go away by just doing something once.
So last night I meditated again, once more focusing on my breathing and sitting upright on my bed with my back against the wall. And how was it? It was really good this time, it made me feel very relaxed and my body slackened into sleep mode. This was useful as i needed to sleep and had 10 hours. And it was easier this second time, things are always easier when you repeat them. And it is off my not-to-do list and on my to-do one!
Well, I had 3 days where I didnt do it but as you can see I am back on track now. I was scared to continue with it as I was thinking about it too much, it had become sado-masochistic! The thought of deciding to do something fear-provoking each day was getting me down, so i have decided to take control of it and be easier on myself, but still keep going!
That's all for today, over and out.
So last night I meditated again, once more focusing on my breathing and sitting upright on my bed with my back against the wall. And how was it? It was really good this time, it made me feel very relaxed and my body slackened into sleep mode. This was useful as i needed to sleep and had 10 hours. And it was easier this second time, things are always easier when you repeat them. And it is off my not-to-do list and on my to-do one!
Well, I had 3 days where I didnt do it but as you can see I am back on track now. I was scared to continue with it as I was thinking about it too much, it had become sado-masochistic! The thought of deciding to do something fear-provoking each day was getting me down, so i have decided to take control of it and be easier on myself, but still keep going!
That's all for today, over and out.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Meditating (day 8)
Another fear, to meditate. To be alone with my own mind.
And so with Youtube playing some music, I sat on my bed and breathed in and out following my breath. Amid the sound of little sticks being plonked on plant pots and shimmering cricket noises I got into the saddle of my thoughts and tried to ride out the rodeo. Buckaroo being.
It started to become more serene, and less like someone throwing plant pots around my mind, when i noticed that i wasn't concentrating. I tried to let out the stress on the outbreath and see the experience as enough in itself and so observed the bucking of my mental mule with a more parental eye. I indulged my own liberty while raining in my distractedness. And began to float a bit around a few mental realms on a journey, to serene concentration on the experience, then anxiety to lose it, escape to distracted fantasy and then return to an emptier mind and feeling bored. And back and forth a bit until i felt a bit space-faced from becoming too abstracted. So here I am straight after, happy to have had a touch of serenity, but scared of the feeling of abstraction, and also sobered and empty.
Not all these have been conscutive, I decided to have a holiday as it was becoming a bit obcessive. So I have done tasks which are easier and spent less time on the blogging aspect.
Tune back though as I have a spoon full of sugar with my Fear-a-Day and continue to take my strifestlye easier Tomorrow on Tom-Fm, your first choice in Angst radio!
And so with Youtube playing some music, I sat on my bed and breathed in and out following my breath. Amid the sound of little sticks being plonked on plant pots and shimmering cricket noises I got into the saddle of my thoughts and tried to ride out the rodeo. Buckaroo being.
It started to become more serene, and less like someone throwing plant pots around my mind, when i noticed that i wasn't concentrating. I tried to let out the stress on the outbreath and see the experience as enough in itself and so observed the bucking of my mental mule with a more parental eye. I indulged my own liberty while raining in my distractedness. And began to float a bit around a few mental realms on a journey, to serene concentration on the experience, then anxiety to lose it, escape to distracted fantasy and then return to an emptier mind and feeling bored. And back and forth a bit until i felt a bit space-faced from becoming too abstracted. So here I am straight after, happy to have had a touch of serenity, but scared of the feeling of abstraction, and also sobered and empty.
Not all these have been conscutive, I decided to have a holiday as it was becoming a bit obcessive. So I have done tasks which are easier and spent less time on the blogging aspect.
Tune back though as I have a spoon full of sugar with my Fear-a-Day and continue to take my strifestlye easier Tomorrow on Tom-Fm, your first choice in Angst radio!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Counting my Fears (part 1) - Day 7
As any fisherman will tell you (or not) it is a scary thing to open a can of worms. So today i decided to do just that, admit and fess up to what gets my goolies in a spin the most. I tried to name ten things i was scared of, with shrouding robes of repression flung upon the clothes horse of fearlessness. And it was really quite queasing to do in a pleasing way, to denude onself, be honest about weakness, publically. So here are 10:
Being. One thing I have a massive amount of fear about. Imagine a woolly mammoth endlessly unloading its rear end on-top of you, and you standing there open-mouthed your bladder hopping up and down like a stammering question mark and a clever little animal sitting on your shoulder saying "Come on you can do better than that!". Well that is certainly a description near to what it can feel like when you are sturggling "To Be", and the smart-arsed sprite is none other than one's cynical side. But as a wise man once said: "You can't start beautifully. Don't be afraid of being a fool. Start as a fool" (Nathalie Lugand, esquire).
Buskers. It's not that I am offended by the toe-ragging little squirt Mistering-me with a coin-sized bag hungry as a badgering polyp. No, it is just that I was walking down the straight pavement, counting the paving stones, and Whoop, up jumps some music and asks me to Be another way. Music. It stops like a touring bus, whooshes its warm-wafting door wide, and with a present eye draws in all around it. Let it be for you too Tommy! I shall have to go and jam with one some day.
Doing nothing. Schieze! Is there not some pocket sized chocolate coated philosophy sprinkle I can have Meeem with my cereal ce morning? It's difficult for me to just do that, as I don't want to be with my thoughts.
Dark. Yes, still. Imagining the white witch with her sickle sword and cold face, behind me, running after me as in dreams which woke me up when I was a boy. And turning on the light, at the switch sooner than walking.
Touch. Yes, some people, well girls, tend to bump into you when out awalking with them. Thomas, my dear, this meaneth no more Than it meaneth. But seriously, the touch of another is a question of acceptance in some way. I am waffling, next fear...
C'mon, I want ten! Right, this can only be summarised in a word Mr Ford would have probably used five times before breakfast, Productivity. Yessum, how productive have you been today? OR rather, how productive are you NOW? That's it, another Fear of mine, Productivity!
MIRRORS. I am terrified of mirrors, and they are terrified by me even sometimes. When you are scared the mirror is scared of you. Photogenicity is being comfortable one would guess. But mirrors show you how you show yourself, they show you your image, your Persona. And the thronged processioned Mall of marching constituents hashing together your self's presentation. Yes, mirrors shows me to be in a Changing the Colour limbo more often than not. It's scary to see such shimmying and skidding on ice. They watch me in shops sometimes.
Spending money. Well, its not that I like it i think, more that i would rather not have it at all. The hassle of the bank balance. Or maybe i am just stingy.
Ah, so just seven, leaves me room for more.
Can you count to ten with fears?
Being. One thing I have a massive amount of fear about. Imagine a woolly mammoth endlessly unloading its rear end on-top of you, and you standing there open-mouthed your bladder hopping up and down like a stammering question mark and a clever little animal sitting on your shoulder saying "Come on you can do better than that!". Well that is certainly a description near to what it can feel like when you are sturggling "To Be", and the smart-arsed sprite is none other than one's cynical side. But as a wise man once said: "You can't start beautifully. Don't be afraid of being a fool. Start as a fool" (Nathalie Lugand, esquire).
Buskers. It's not that I am offended by the toe-ragging little squirt Mistering-me with a coin-sized bag hungry as a badgering polyp. No, it is just that I was walking down the straight pavement, counting the paving stones, and Whoop, up jumps some music and asks me to Be another way. Music. It stops like a touring bus, whooshes its warm-wafting door wide, and with a present eye draws in all around it. Let it be for you too Tommy! I shall have to go and jam with one some day.
Doing nothing. Schieze! Is there not some pocket sized chocolate coated philosophy sprinkle I can have Meeem with my cereal ce morning? It's difficult for me to just do that, as I don't want to be with my thoughts.
Dark. Yes, still. Imagining the white witch with her sickle sword and cold face, behind me, running after me as in dreams which woke me up when I was a boy. And turning on the light, at the switch sooner than walking.
Touch. Yes, some people, well girls, tend to bump into you when out awalking with them. Thomas, my dear, this meaneth no more Than it meaneth. But seriously, the touch of another is a question of acceptance in some way. I am waffling, next fear...
C'mon, I want ten! Right, this can only be summarised in a word Mr Ford would have probably used five times before breakfast, Productivity. Yessum, how productive have you been today? OR rather, how productive are you NOW? That's it, another Fear of mine, Productivity!
MIRRORS. I am terrified of mirrors, and they are terrified by me even sometimes. When you are scared the mirror is scared of you. Photogenicity is being comfortable one would guess. But mirrors show you how you show yourself, they show you your image, your Persona. And the thronged processioned Mall of marching constituents hashing together your self's presentation. Yes, mirrors shows me to be in a Changing the Colour limbo more often than not. It's scary to see such shimmying and skidding on ice. They watch me in shops sometimes.
Spending money. Well, its not that I like it i think, more that i would rather not have it at all. The hassle of the bank balance. Or maybe i am just stingy.
Ah, so just seven, leaves me room for more.
Can you count to ten with fears?
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Let it be (Day 6)
Where is Mother Mary when you want her? Mooning around on a cloud in her blue gettup gabbering her pearls away on angels who already know better when I am fixed betwixt the mad world and am in need of some whispered words of wisdom.
I had said today I will Let it Be, a scary thought as Tom had been on action-stations to fit into a new world and the climb-down felt like a ladder from the stars and a rainbow of nothing.
My fear and my challenge was to let go of the Mission and just focus on being. To take a break and revel and rebel in the present.
So how was it? In a word: painful. It felt like I had been fixed by glue into a wax-work, so lost was my inner harmony I felt estranged and gargoyled in a new world of free awakenings and germinating shoots of consciousness. A frog carved from sugar. Passivity is not a way to Be, blanking-out not an option. I didn't try too which was certainly mis-guided. It takes some work to Be I would now reckon.
And all the while I had the impulse To Strive, but with no reliable connection with the experience of Being I was unable to fully commit myself to it and the feelings of running against the clock failed to pass away. I felt like a floundering founding father fish flummoxed on the sands and unable to convince his fins to work like legs.
Being then is an enigma for me. Being for a whole day is too tough, so next time I will take it a bit easier and harness my powers of concentration for only a while.
I had said today I will Let it Be, a scary thought as Tom had been on action-stations to fit into a new world and the climb-down felt like a ladder from the stars and a rainbow of nothing.
My fear and my challenge was to let go of the Mission and just focus on being. To take a break and revel and rebel in the present.
So how was it? In a word: painful. It felt like I had been fixed by glue into a wax-work, so lost was my inner harmony I felt estranged and gargoyled in a new world of free awakenings and germinating shoots of consciousness. A frog carved from sugar. Passivity is not a way to Be, blanking-out not an option. I didn't try too which was certainly mis-guided. It takes some work to Be I would now reckon.
And all the while I had the impulse To Strive, but with no reliable connection with the experience of Being I was unable to fully commit myself to it and the feelings of running against the clock failed to pass away. I felt like a floundering founding father fish flummoxed on the sands and unable to convince his fins to work like legs.
Being then is an enigma for me. Being for a whole day is too tough, so next time I will take it a bit easier and harness my powers of concentration for only a while.
Think the fear away (Day 5)
So without much of a plan, and caught up in some generous displays of loafing and meandering, I came up with the idea of just thinking of things I didn't have and which would therefore have some creative fear attached to them. Imagining these things. I picked 5 and thought about them in the bathroom while on the toilet.
Thought 1: being fully fit and able to do sport. Feeling: blissful, but it was difficult to imagine, sense pugilising pilates has been stretching my patience recently.
Thought 2: being a teacher. Feeling: serene, and a rich visual image came up. A white washed class room, empty and between lessons, and myself or my mind-from-afar lingering among the wooden folding-lidded desks.
Thought 3: being organised. Feeling: energised, and also I could imagine it, an image of a diary entry marked with legible handwriting came into being.
Thought 4: publishing a book. Feeling: satisfying, as though it was going to happen or was at least possible.
Thought 5: the girlfriend. Feeling: dingledodyingly dandy, but sadly difficult to imagine, hemmed in by drunken shyness and the habit of not-ness.
The result, I enjoyed my mental challenge, it only took 3 minutes, and had a lasting vibe of energy that has remained.
Thought 1: being fully fit and able to do sport. Feeling: blissful, but it was difficult to imagine, sense pugilising pilates has been stretching my patience recently.
Thought 2: being a teacher. Feeling: serene, and a rich visual image came up. A white washed class room, empty and between lessons, and myself or my mind-from-afar lingering among the wooden folding-lidded desks.
Thought 3: being organised. Feeling: energised, and also I could imagine it, an image of a diary entry marked with legible handwriting came into being.
Thought 4: publishing a book. Feeling: satisfying, as though it was going to happen or was at least possible.
Thought 5: the girlfriend. Feeling: dingledodyingly dandy, but sadly difficult to imagine, hemmed in by drunken shyness and the habit of not-ness.
The result, I enjoyed my mental challenge, it only took 3 minutes, and had a lasting vibe of energy that has remained.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
My first suggestion: to go and chat with a Lap Dancer
It's all in the title. My new friend Andrea has suggested I go and have a Conversation with an Exotic Dancer, or Stripper, if you will. I will go to the club and perhaps after a strip tease, engage the young lady in conversation. She will cook me dinner if I do.
Stay tuned to see how this affects the Tom's mental metabolism and what's motoring on his action stations in another installment....
Stay tuned to see how this affects the Tom's mental metabolism and what's motoring on his action stations in another installment....
I meet a Dragan and think like God (Day Four)
Well yesterday I found it difficult to come up with ideas to worry myself, I was trekking this way and that way across Berlin looking for a new flat. I must move out on Wednesday from Eyop's house, as he is coming back from Eithiopia and mine and Remi's house-sitting must come to an end.
However, upon leaving one flat where I had been chatting about meeting strangers on the street with (my now future flatmate), I thought why not and stopped a couple of people. The second of which, one Dragan Omaljev, had time to talk and we had a perfectly excellent conversation about both of our lives, occupations and interests. I relaxed into it in a way I could not have done without my initiation yesterday. He had a good natured and friendly manner, and we both enjoyed the experience I think. It was interesting to learn a couple of facts about Serbia and Germany, that tea-drinking is associated with sickness in Serbia yet is drunk for pleasure here, and also that the Serbian administrative system is a close-is-good-enough one unlike the Germanic system which is perfectionist. We chatted for perhaps 25 minutes. Hopefully I will see him again, I probably will as he will now be a neighbour.
But feeling that I needed to do more today as I lay in bed before sleep, I half-hearted tried to imagine what it would be like to be God, fear-inducing for the reason of being incredulous, mad and of great difficulty, and had the rather surreal experience of feeling like an extraordinarily large white-robed Michael Flatley. Serves me right.
And further to report that the night before last we had a party at our house, where all the guests played music together, and so I used the experience to challenge my fears further. Performing in public gets my fearful goat as much as other things, but once I made the commitment to join in it was relatively easy, my experiences with this blog made it even easier. And I felt a part of the music for one bongo-beating number, a magical moment. Hmm, shall i join a choir or shouldn't I? I can't hear any suggestions yet?
Hear more shrieks and moans from a man-on-a-mission tomorrow, as I do the same thing I do everyday...have a Fear-a-Day!
However, upon leaving one flat where I had been chatting about meeting strangers on the street with (my now future flatmate), I thought why not and stopped a couple of people. The second of which, one Dragan Omaljev, had time to talk and we had a perfectly excellent conversation about both of our lives, occupations and interests. I relaxed into it in a way I could not have done without my initiation yesterday. He had a good natured and friendly manner, and we both enjoyed the experience I think. It was interesting to learn a couple of facts about Serbia and Germany, that tea-drinking is associated with sickness in Serbia yet is drunk for pleasure here, and also that the Serbian administrative system is a close-is-good-enough one unlike the Germanic system which is perfectionist. We chatted for perhaps 25 minutes. Hopefully I will see him again, I probably will as he will now be a neighbour.
But feeling that I needed to do more today as I lay in bed before sleep, I half-hearted tried to imagine what it would be like to be God, fear-inducing for the reason of being incredulous, mad and of great difficulty, and had the rather surreal experience of feeling like an extraordinarily large white-robed Michael Flatley. Serves me right.
And further to report that the night before last we had a party at our house, where all the guests played music together, and so I used the experience to challenge my fears further. Performing in public gets my fearful goat as much as other things, but once I made the commitment to join in it was relatively easy, my experiences with this blog made it even easier. And I felt a part of the music for one bongo-beating number, a magical moment. Hmm, shall i join a choir or shouldn't I? I can't hear any suggestions yet?
Hear more shrieks and moans from a man-on-a-mission tomorrow, as I do the same thing I do everyday...have a Fear-a-Day!
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